Michael
Thurman
January
23, 1997
English
101
Love
Need
You either love someone or you need someone, and don't you forget it!
That is the idea Willie Frier's mother based her children's lives on, in Thomas
J. Cottle's "Goodbye, Kids, Mother's Leaving Home". Having this
concept presented in my world, is like listening to a great bard's song which
strikes cords of reality while spinning a tale of pure fantasy. If you are not
careful it rings true.
During the last forty-four years, hundreds of people have come and gone
in my life. They are the examples that sever fact from fiction. They prove even
if need has nothing to do with love, love is not separable from need.
Grandma Guinn was the first one to leave my world. Tall yet gracious,
beautiful yet generous, and the worlds best cook, too. She expressed love for
everyone and as far as I could tell needed no one.
Grandma expressed her love with every beat of her heart. Every time I
came over for the night she had a freshly baked huckleberry pie ready and
waiting for the world's emptiest tummy. As soon as supper was over out came that
pie topped with rich smooth French vanilla ice cream. The pie and ice cream went
into my mouth, but love is what filled my heart. But wait there is more.
Burley, tall, and handsome,
Grandpa Guinn was an impressive man to see. However, his physical stature was
the least of his attributes. He loved to be with his grandchildren. Taking them
on long walks in old fields looking for arrowheads, glass jars, glass
insulators, and coins was such a thrill to both him and us. And fishing, now
there was something we just had to do. Every opportunity we got it was either
searching out new treasures or trying to land the biggest Carp. It wasn't
finding lost bits of history or landing the most ferocious fish that inflated my
heart with joy, it was doing it with Grandpa.
I remember when I turned fifteen. Grandma and Grandpa Guinn came by the
school and gave me a fishing rod for my birthday. Can you imagine the nerve of
them coming to school to embarrass me like that! That is the kind of statement
you might expect from a fifteen year old. Well, not so with me. I cherish that
moment and loved that rod. It was a symbol of their love to me and I used it all
over Arkansas and Oklahoma. I took that rod to Alaska and used it in the ocean
to catch Sea Base, Rock Cod, and Halibut. I took it to Arizona and caught bass
and crawdads. And when someone got off with over five thousand dollars worth of
stuff from my garage in 1976, it was the fishing rod I mourned over.
My mourning was never so deep as when Grandma Guinn died. I was sixteen
and I was reduced to a baby. I wept and wept. I was scared forever. To this day
I hate funerals with a passion. Yet, I live on and I carry Grandma's love with
me. Fortunately, Grandpa was part of my life for many more years. He was even
able to be a part of both my children's lives and when he past on I was better
prepared. But, nonetheless it hurt.
Just as seeing someone you love die hurts, developing a new love can be
painful, too.
One wonderful sunny afternoon a fresh breeze came rustling through the
leaves of live in to my heart. Julie was sixteen and I was seventeen when she
glided into my life. Her looks were intoxicating, and I just had to know who she
was, where she lived, was she dating someone else, and most of all would she
accept me in her life. I needed her to see me as a worthy soul. Someone she
liked to be with, talk with, hold hands with, and whisper secrets to.
But, Julie did not need a popular jock in her life. Especially someone
whose greatest attribute according to his own sister was his ability to be a
complete snob. Over time however, Julie's defenses wore down. She started to
wave back when I walked by her in the hallway waving like a fool, saying
"hello" to her.
Then one day a knock on the boy’s rest room door drew us together
forever. It was Frances that knocked on the door and asked a surprised young boy
if Mike Thurman was in there. I fought off the urge to hide in embarrassment and
heard Frances out. She told me that Julie wanted to ask me out to the Twerp Week
Dance. I nearly ran back to study hall and confronted Julie to see if it was
true. Though Frances exaggerated the facts a little bit, she got us over the
hump, and Julie and I went to the Dance that week.
As we held hands and danced, powerful waves of delight swept over my
body. At last the most intriguing, loveliest girl I had ever seen was talking
and walking with me. The weeks past on and my need to be near her grew stronger
and stronger. Similarly the pain surging through my body every time we were
apart, causing my heart to think I would surly die, grew more and more intense.
Developing this love was painful indeed.
My desire to know her had transformed into a need to be with her. Then
one perfect summer day, as we lay on the beach, my need spurred me into action.
I quite suddenly spit out, will you marry me. She just as suddenly shot back
yes. It was so quick I was sure she felt I was just joking with her. She was
not.
We married and now have two children and one grandchild. My love for Julie has ebbed and flowed over the years. But,
it is still there causing me to need her near. Not only is my need to be near
Julie fueled by my love for her, my need to fulfill her desires is like wise
kindled by my love for her.
Love for Julie, Grandpa and Grandma Guinn and others over the years has taught me that those I love I need. I can live with out them, but I need them just the same. I need to remember those that are gone, I need to touch those that are here, and I need to fulfill their desires as best I can. I now realize one can need with out loving, but one cannot love with out needing. For love with out need is not love at all.
